Permission to Hit Play

Each of us are experiencing and processing this global pandemic in our own ways. Personally, I’ve decided that it’s time to give myself permission to hit play. To stop putting life on pause and make the best with the situation facing us. The future is uncertain but the present is here, and it’s a gift.

I’m conscious that my truth doesn’t s align with the narrative I’m reading about in news articles, hearing about on zoom calls with friends, and seeing on the limited social media I “consu

me.” I am well aware that we are living through a global pandemic, but no, I’m not binge watching Tiger King on Netflix, I have showered, worked out and put on pants most days, and overall, I’m enjoying this extra time with my husband and child. In fact, I’m happier teleworking than I was commuting into the office for work.

I feel guilty admitting this when I know that so many people are struggling. Yet, pretending otherwise in order to make other people feel more comfortable doesn’t serve anyone.

Truth is — I was a train wreck for the first week and a half as I adjusted to the impossible juggle of taking care of a 10-month old while still working full time. It’s not that I figured everything out midway into week two, I just stopped buying into the myth that it was possible to find “work/life balance.” I had to give up the #momguilt about not not being present 100% of the time when I’m with my baby and silence my perfectionist tendencies that told me I wasn’t doing enough work. Everyone else is in the same boat and I am only one person.

I also realize that I am extremely fortunate and blessed. Both my husband and I are still able to work. Our families are healthy. We are not worried about putting a meal on our table or wether or not we can pay our electrical bill. My prayers are with our health care workers, the workers keeping our pharmacies an grocery stores open, our government leaders facing tough decisions, and those who’s loved ones are sick or are sick themselves.

Life is definitely not “normal”. I’m stir crazy spending all this time in our small apartment. I don’t know when daycare will re-open or we will start going into our offices again. My husband and I are not always patient or kind to each other and handle stress in very different ways. My daughter’s clinginess exhausts me. But if I think about it — life has always been full of external stressors and uncertainty. We’ve never truly been in control, we just had the illusion of control. I’m not sure when life will go back to “normal” or even what that means anymore. In some ways, the disruption has lead to innovation and unintended positive benefits that would be nice to carry forward into our future. For example, with fewer people commuting, our air quality has improved.

Now that I have puzzled, made muffins and experimented making bagels — it’s time to think about what’s next. With our feet more firmly planted in this new rhythm of life, my family is starting to look forward and seek opportunities to contribute, to get involved in the collective response to COVID-19.

It’s time to hit play.