Gossip Girl

Xoxo,

Gossip Girl

Guilty confession — I binge watched the TV show Gossip Girl when it first came out. There is something about gossip — both fictional and in our day-to-day lives that is so addictive. We love a good drama. We enjoy having the “insider scoop” and gossip gives us something to talk about and bond over with others. But we also know gossip isn’t all fun and games.

After a virtual happy hour with coworkers a few weeks ago, it dawned on me that I didn’t feel any better after our workplace bitching session paired with a glass of wine. In fact, I felt worse. 

Ends up I wasn’t alone. The next day one of my coworkers who had joined me for this happy hour expressed feeling a dark cloud loom over her after our zoom conversation. She had told her husband that she hoped we wouldn’t "talk shop". I had hoped the same thing, but looking back, that’s exactly what we did. We had talked exclusively about work during the prior nights' happy hour, much of it gossiping about fellow colleagues. 

Gossip is a pretty standard workplace practice. According to Yuval Harari in his book Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, it may even serve an important evolutionary function. Harari argues, “social cooperation is our key for survival and reproduction. It is not enough for individual men and women to know the whereabouts of lions and bisons. It’s much more important for them to know who in their band hates whom, who is sleeping with whom, who is honest and who is a cheat.” 

Yet, we’ve all been on the receiving end of gossip and know how hurtful it can be when others’ talk about you “behind your back.” We know the saying - “do to others as you would like them to do to you.” (Luke 6:31 NLT) and the Bible further says that “he who guards his mouth preserves his live, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.” (Proverbs 13:3 NKJV). But how do we parse out when it’s OK (and even helpful) to talk about others when they are not present and when it is destructive and hurtful? 

I don’t know the answer to this. As my latest happy hour example shows, this is something I’m still struggle with. I keep coming back to the power of awareness and intentionality.  

Something I am trying on right now is setting intentions before I virtually check-in to a workplace meeting or gathering with friends. By taking a minute or two to speak and affirmation over our time together, I’m regularly reminding myself about my desire to be fully present, actively engaged, and looking for opportunities to empower and uplift others. My hope is that this intention will result in both the wisdom to know when we’ve crossed the line from “social cooperation” to something that is harmful and hurtful. 

I’m reminded of the WWJD bracelets that used to be so popular, a visual reminder to ask “what would Jesus do?.” While I have yet to implement this, I’m wondering how I could create a similar visual cue to look for opportunities to use my words to build up rather than to tear down? How can we practice boldness when we are in situations where others around us fall into patterns of harmful gossip? How can we recognize when we are feeding the fire and make the choice to redirect the conversation, even going so far as taking the scary step and speak up in defense of the person who is not present? 

Gossip is rooted in our own insecurities and a desire to paint ourselves as superior to others. We attempt to minimize the appearance of our weaknesses by shining a spotlight on the weaknesses of others. Yet, we often confuse a person with his or her behavior. For example when a colleague shows up late to a meeting, we are quick to say that they are inconsiderate or lazy rather than assuming there could be a valid reason for their tardiness. (If we showed up late, you can bet there is a valid excuse). 

My daughter just turned one and I find myself reflecting on what type of relationships I want to model for her. I hope that my daughter grows up confident enough in her own self worth that she regularly chooses to celebrate and highlight others strengths rather than feeding into gossip that tears someone down. I hope that standing up for others comes naturally to her because, growing up, she sees it regularly modeled for her, by myself and others. I hope that she recognizes, and gives space, for people to be more complex than their individual behaviors. I hope that she regularly seeks to uplift others. 

xoxo.